How to get things done
There are two basic paths to choose, when you want to stop procrastinating, change a behaviour, or see yourself get a particular task done.
Path #1: To force yourself
Forcing yourself may be our most common go-to. Paradigmatically, this is related to a compliance mindset based on rules-based, and right- and wrong-thinking. Typical rules might be, for instance:
I need to apply for a job
I need to work out
I should be nice to my children
I shouldn't eat meat
I should minimise my phone usage
etc.
The advantage of this way is that it's easy. You don't need the capacity to take much into account. All you do is obey yourself.
But that’s also the downside.
You see, we humans generally yearn to contribute, as long as we perceive it as voluntary.
Demands tend to focus our attention on our longing for autonomy. Musts and oughts can have us instinctively resist, even when we ourselves are the ones doing the demanding.
A compliance mindset doesn’t support us in getting in touch with the purpose of rules. We can push ourselves harder, but our longing for autonomy may activate a proportionately growing amount of resistance.
The body can literally feel heavy.
So what's the alternative?
Path #2: To practice mindfulness with the consequences of your choices
This path more complex, and involves putting yourself in touch with the consequences of your actions. This goes far beyond thinking about them in terms of whether it’s good or bad to do it.
You see, no cognitive knowledge of what’s good/bad, right/wrong etc. ever motivated anyone do anything, unless they also had a heart-felt connection to the consequences of how they acted.
When you have this connection, you don’t need rules. You’ve managed to mobilise your own longing, so obedience is no longer necessary. This makes this path inherently pleasurable. Voilá.
Slow down though, for, this approach also has its difficulties.
Doing the work
One of them is that you need to have or work on developing the willingness, skills and inner capacity to be present with, and accountable for the consequences of your actions, when you’ve acted less than perfect.
Punishments are used with the compliance mindset. So this requires something slightly different.
I want you to really stop, see, hear, and deeply and mindfully take in what consequences your actions had. This will be painful, so you need some skills to transform the inner blaming of yourself to emotional sweet pain – the pain we feel when we are mourning and simultaneously healing.
If you need support to do this, read my post on how to transform an inner discomfort.
What happens when you’re not applying for the jobs you want? How does it feel, for real, when you acted in a way that hurt a loved one? What’s really the problem with you getting stuck in front of the screen late at night? How do you want to eat, knowing how your eating affects animals, nature and the environment?
If you can be mindful with how life was moved, you will find that grief. Don’t confuse grief with overthinking. Overthinking is cognitive, and you feel scared. Grief is embodied, and you feel sweet pain. It’s not dangerous.
You don’t want to remove the grief. Why? Because it’s what helps you learn. The grief puts you in touch with what really matters to you. Next time you’re in a similar situation, the grief will remind you of what you really value.
* * *
Another difficulty with this path is the fact that we always have good reasons not to act.
See, you may judge yourself as lazy, coward, etc., but have you ever actually listened to the what the part of you resisting has been tryig to tell you all along?
Not always is it a longing for autonomy from our own tyranny, that stops us from acting. It can be other things as well. As long as your plan of action doesn’t take those into account, they will act as blockers to getting things done.
For instance: how come you're not applying for jobs? Is there perhaps a longing for protection and dignity, a fear of how you will judge yourself if you are turned down? Or maybe you want to protect your sense of hope that things will work out?
How would it support you to skip the training? What needs are you trying to meet by scolding your kids? And so on.
If you can approach these “blockers” not as blockers but as important parts of you that are longing to be taken into account, if you can offer a safe space form them, meet them with curiosity, chances are you'll learn things you weren’t seeing.
You may need to mourn not having listened closely enough to what these parts of you were trying to say all along. And hopefully, you can end the inner tug-of-war, find inner reconciliation, and a place of integrity out of which you can act with a clear direction.